I remember the words but don't remember the when

I've gone back in time

To a time of youth and innocence

To feel what's in my body today

The energy

The vibrance

The pressure of excitement in my chest

Today I look forward to tomorrow

When I can look into your eyes

Where I can mirror my desire, longing, urgency

When I can get lost in your lips

Where your mouth has become my home

My moment of solace

My escape

My new life

I could never tell

You wouldn't believe

How could you?

I don't think you know what loneliness looks like

It's never knocked on your door

It's never loved you for years

I know him well

More than anyone ever

He's been a constant friend

A confidant

A teacher

But much much more

He's my greatest love

My most efficient lover

The one that does everything right

Ensuring I never leave him

I don't want another

No one sees me

I don't notice them

There's only him

Grabbing me with his cold hands

Shaking me

Taking me

In soft night whispers

Bringing me to tears

Wiping them with frigid sensuality

And I know only him

I've tried to turn my back on him

To walk away

To run

To hide

But he's always there

5 Steps behind me

Coming back to collect me

Bringing me back

To our same place

The ones we forged memories in

There he works overtime

With more fervor than before

To keep me there

In his embrace

Cold

Dry

Alone

But always accompanied

By loneliness

Drowning

I feel as if my grip is slipping
I’m trying to hold on but the current is pulling harder
Bringing me me down
At first it was gradual
So slow
Lethargic almost
I didn’t even feel my sleep begin to slide
Then as if it was nothing the seat was yanked from underneath me
And I slipped off
One minute I was sitting there in light conversation
Then next I’m holding on for dear life
And it’s taking me
I’m fighting inside
I’m crying
Asking God not to do this
He knows better
I know that
It will be done as he meant
But I feel like this is death
Please don’t do this
Don’t do this to me
The warmth that envelopes me
It’s also the venom that poisons a part of my heart
I’m helpless because I don’t know how to fight
I’ve accepted a fate I rebel against
The innocent sea
Full of sharks but so pristine
It will be my death in the end
As I drowned in this blue lagoon
I know I’ll drift to the bottom
And then open my eyes looking up
In the water my tears won’t be noticed
In the silence, I won’t be able to scream
I’ll still be here
Dragging the dead part of me.

Indigestion

No one knows

Yet most have experienced it

I don't know if mine is more intense than others

It's an awake nightmare

As I fight to speak again

I can't and won't

But I most walk as if nothing's wrong

Those who have been there have forgotten

Because it's easier to advise

I'm beginning to hate them

Because I hurt so

The hot burning tears that drip down my throat

Swallowed so no one would see them

Hungry

The pent up desire

that will not be sated

I wonder if you feel any of it

Do you know what it's like to want you and not have you?

To touch you and not possess you

To see your beautiful skin

And not be able to bite it as I want

You have no idea what your smell does to me

How it ties up my senses

Annihilates my common sense

Takes my reason

Makes me into an animal

I want to sniff you

To be able to track you

I want to devour your skin

Because I know underneath hides the sweetest treat

I want to pounce

Attack

Toy with you

Sweetly torture you

Until you have to release the She-Wolf

So that she can end your pain.

Cyclic

I lied to you
Don't be angry
I did not know I wanted it this way
So many years of hiding
Under the umbrella of naivete
Under the glare of the world
I stifled myself
My body
The deep roots of my soul
I ignored the cries for help
I inflicted pain
Cruelly tortured
Myself
So used to this pain
Don't want it any other way
Don't know any other way
Rough
Brutal
Without mercy
Take me
Possess me
Bring me home
Tomorrow it will begin again.

Death by fire

It's about 5 degrees outside
I feel the chill on my skin
It's almost painful
It's frigid, desolate
It's also not the reason I tremble
I shake because of the heat war taking place in my blood
Inside my skin is about 120
The hot wind factor makes it feel 150
It's trapped heat
Spreading through my body
A five alarm fire
Desperately searching for way out
At risk of burning my body to the ground
How can I be burning inside while the cold threatens to freeze me to death?
I want to drop on the floor
To roll and see if it's extiguinshes
It doesn't help
The fire wants to be subdued
Conquered
Liberated
Subjugated
It wants to feel the power of the fireman
Before it's put out
It wants to die the good death
Dominated
Before it's doused for the time being.

Burning soul

The innocent will be the ones that kill you
Because they don’t know any better
Because their thinking is so pure
Even when he tries a hand at deviousness
He continues through life perplexed
While I burn in the hell he’s put me in
Trapped in my skin deep jail cell

The walls were the first to catch fire
It quickly spread
From my legs to my mid section to my chest to my arms
I want to cry but who would hear
Even a drop of water would seem like a stream now

I curse him
I curse me

The fire violates every inch of me
I feel the agony
But I can’t
Won’t
Let myself die with dignity
This fire doesn’t deserve that

It should be hosed roughly
Intensely
It deserves the cries of pain
Of surrender
Until I’m lifeless
With no voice
No spirit
Reduced to ashes
Still
Just glowing