Sunday, March 9, 2008

Vanity

There are those who will deny me this moment
But as I stand in front of the mirror I can help but bask in all of this.
It’s the sheer sexy and sensuality of me
I feel like balmy air on a beautiful day at the beach
I can feel the sound of the waves
As the rhythmic movement washes over me in hypnotizing fashion.
I feel like music that makes you sway
Gently taking over your being
It’s an aged, soft, but forceful feeling
Like fine wine exploding in your tongue making your eyes water.
My arms reach for the ceiling in a port de bras
I tilt my head to the left and open my hands wide
The sun caressing my fingers in a delicious sting
Just like that I bring my head back
Giving my entire face to the sun
Letting it bathe my whole upper body
I smile still with my eyes closed
Feeling the peace and calming love of nature
I breathe it in….and out
I bring my hands down and touch my arms
I revel in my own softness
My face, my eyelids
I feel wholesome and united
All my body parts have melded into one
All layers flattened in a masterpiece of energy
So much love inside me threatens to spill over
And I thank god for this moment
For making me
For letting me love myself
I open my eyes and see it all as it should
The thighs ample but beautiful
The stomach not flat but waist amazingly small
The perfect size chest
I want to dance using it all
But sigh…alas; it’s time to go to work
In a Sunday morning, when I’m at work. Nothing to do because of a glitch. I sit here and wonder, ponder, whatever. I think about the things that are and could be. Things that never were and should have been. I ask myself where I went wrong. Even was I the one at fault. I let my insecurities get the best of me and I let my options play with my head. I’ve always said my life is a forking path where each direction means a different ending, an alternate lifestyle. Why does it seem like I always choose the wrong one? Do I? Am I? Oh what the fuck.

Hmmm hmmm hmmm hmm

In the dead of night, there was this eerie silence
I couldn’t even hear myself breathe
I fell hostage to that powerful slumber
The signature arm bent at the elbow over my head
That damsel like pose
Talks of a fragility that I often feel but don’t know if I convey
Not that I want to
I began to drift and from the start I feel the assailing of images
It no longer waits for me to completely fall asleep
It just comes like a barrage, stampeding on my senses
I don’t want to see
But in the night I cannot pretend or ignore
The days when I am out of the house are for others
Putting on the smile and focusing on all else
When I come home is to decompress.
I don’t want to pay attention to these
In dreams though, you can choose what you tackle
When the Id takes over you, you have no command. Nothing
So I stand there, looking at you, him, the other one, all of them
The herd of pink elephants each standing in each corner, a door, a space
I look each in the eye
Hating what I see
Loving the feel of it
As always you all split me
It’s me against myself
One side hating the other
Two formidable opponents in this 31 year battle
Neither ever wins and both tend to lose out
Good against good and sometimes evil against evil
One fundamental to the other
All I do is stand there and look at all my adversaries in the eye
Knowing I am the sole victim to all: You, him, the others, me, and myself
 

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