Broken

I remember the words but don't remember the when

2011-06-20T07:43:00.002-05:00

I've gone back in time

To a time of youth and innocence

To feel what's in my body today

The energy

The vibrance

The pressure of excitement in my chest

Today I look forward to tomorrow

When I can look into your eyes

Where I can mirror my desire, longing, urgency

When I can get lost in your lips

Where your mouth has become my home

My moment of solace

My escape

My new life

I could never tell

You wouldn't believe

How could you?

I don't think you know what loneliness looks like

It's never knocked on your door

It's never loved you for years

I know him well

More than anyone ever

He's been a constant friend

A confidant

A teacher

But much much more

He's my greatest love

My most efficient lover

The one that does everything right

Ensuring I never leave him

I don't want another

No one sees me

I don't notice them

There's only him

Grabbing me with his cold hands

Shaking me

Taking me

In soft night whispers

Bringing me to tears

Wiping them with frigid sensuality

And I know only him

I've tried to turn my back on him

To walk away

To run

To hide

But he's always there

5 Steps behind me

Coming back to collect me

Bringing me back

To our same place

The ones we forged memories in

There he works overtime

With more fervor than before

To keep me there

In his embrace

Cold

Dry

Alone

But always accompanied

By loneliness

Drowning

2011-06-01T08:01:00.000-05:00

I feel as if my grip is slipping
I’m trying to hold on but the current is pulling harder
Bringing me me down
At first it was gradual
So slow
Lethargic almost
I didn’t even feel my sleep begin to slide
Then as if it was nothing the seat was yanked from underneath me
And I slipped off
One minute I was sitting there in light conversation
Then next I’m holding on for dear life
And it’s taking me
I’m fighting inside
I’m crying
Asking God not to do this
He knows better
I know that
It will be done as he meant
But I feel like this is death
Please don’t do this
Don’t do this to me
The warmth that envelopes me
It’s also the venom that poisons a part of my heart
I’m helpless because I don’t know how to fight
I’ve accepted a fate I rebel against
The innocent sea
Full of sharks but so pristine
It will be my death in the end
As I drowned in this blue lagoon
I know I’ll drift to the bottom
And then open my eyes looking up
In the water my tears won’t be noticed
In the silence, I won’t be able to scream
I’ll still be here
Dragging the dead part of me.

Indigestion

2011-02-22T22:02:00.000-05:00

No one knows

Yet most have experienced it

I don't know if mine is more intense than others

It's an awake nightmare

As I fight to speak again

I can't and won't

But I most walk as if nothing's wrong

Those who have been there have forgotten

Because it's easier to advise

I'm beginning to hate them

Because I hurt so

The hot burning tears that drip down my throat

Swallowed so no one would see them

Hungry

2011-02-22T21:48:00.009-05:00

The pent up desire

that will not be sated

I wonder if you feel any of it

Do you know what it's like to want you and not have you?

To touch you and not possess you

To see your beautiful skin

And not be able to bite it as I want

You have no idea what your smell does to me

How it ties up my senses

Annihilates my common sense

Takes my reason

Makes me into an animal

I want to sniff you

To be able to track you

I want to devour your skin

Because I know underneath hides the sweetest treat

I want to pounce

Attack

Toy with you

Sweetly torture you

Until you have to release the She-Wolf

So that she can end your pain.

Cyclic

2011-01-24T14:51:00.000-05:00

I lied to you
Don't be angry
I did not know I wanted it this way
So many years of hiding
Under the umbrella of naivete
Under the glare of the world
I stifled myself
My body
The deep roots of my soul
I ignored the cries for help
I inflicted pain
Cruelly tortured
Myself
So used to this pain
Don't want it any other way
Don't know any other way
Rough
Brutal
Without mercy
Take me
Possess me
Bring me home
Tomorrow it will begin again.

Death by fire

2011-01-24T13:23:00.003-05:00

It's about 5 degrees outside
I feel the chill on my skin
It's almost painful
It's frigid, desolate
It's also not the reason I tremble
I shake because of the heat war taking place in my blood
Inside my skin is about 120
The hot wind factor makes it feel 150
It's trapped heat
Spreading through my body
A five alarm fire
Desperately searching for way out
At risk of burning my body to the ground
How can I be burning inside while the cold threatens to freeze me to death?
I want to drop on the floor
To roll and see if it's extiguinshes
It doesn't help
The fire wants to be subdued
Conquered
Liberated
Subjugated
It wants to feel the power of the fireman
Before it's put out
It wants to die the good death
Dominated
Before it's doused for the time being.

Burning soul

2011-01-05T14:30:00.000-05:00

The innocent will be the ones that kill you
Because they don’t know any better
Because their thinking is so pure
Even when he tries a hand at deviousness
He continues through life perplexed
While I burn in the hell he’s put me in
Trapped in my skin deep jail cell

The walls were the first to catch fire
It quickly spread
From my legs to my mid section to my chest to my arms
I want to cry but who would hear
Even a drop of water would seem like a stream now

I curse him
I curse me

The fire violates every inch of me
I feel the agony
But I can’t
Won’t
Let myself die with dignity
This fire doesn’t deserve that

It should be hosed roughly
Intensely
It deserves the cries of pain
Of surrender
Until I’m lifeless
With no voice
No spirit
Reduced to ashes
Still
Just glowing

In the fall

2008-11-13T17:05:00.001-05:00

We live in a world of dryness, a desert of endless vastitude. When a day like today comes, we rejoice, at least those of us who understand. Rain is life. It’s pure ritual renews the world. The darknening of the skies, the chill in the air, the tentative sprinkles, the steady fall, and the downpour. It’s constant rhythm in an ageless dance, sway of droplets that melt in the appreciative ground. It welcomes the overwhelming love that comes from above. It’s engulfed in the mystic feeling as if sounds of a sweet flute soaked your head and body in it’s delicious, calming, elevating effect.

Reincarnation

I got a reason

2008-03-09T11:23:00.004-05:00

Vanity

There are those who will deny me this moment
But as I stand in front of the mirror I can help but bask in all of this.

It’s the sheer sexy and sensuality of me
I feel like balmy air on a beautiful day at the beach
I can feel the sound of the waves
As the rhythmic movement washes over me in hypnotizing fashion.

I feel like music that makes you sway
Gently taking over your being
It’s an aged, soft, but forceful feeling
Like fine wine exploding in your tongue making your eyes water.

My arms reach for the ceiling in a port de bras
I tilt my head to the left and open my hands wide
The sun caressing my fingers in a delicious sting
Just like that I bring my head back
Giving my entire face to the sun
Letting it bathe my whole upper body
I smile still with my eyes closed
Feeling the peace and calming love of nature
I breathe it in….and out
I bring my hands down and touch my arms
I revel in my own softness
My face, my eyelids
I feel wholesome and united
All my body parts have melded into one
All layers flattened in a masterpiece of energy
So much love inside me threatens to spill over
And I thank god for this moment
For making me
For letting me love myself
I open my eyes and see it all as it should
The thighs ample but beautiful
The stomach not flat but waist amazingly small
The perfect size chest
I want to dance using it all
But sigh…alas; it’s time to go to work

Sunday Rambling part I

2008-03-09T11:16:00.000-05:00

In a Sunday morning, when I’m at work. Nothing to do because of a glitch. I sit here and wonder, ponder, whatever. I think about the things that are and could be. Things that never were and should have been. I ask myself where I went wrong. Even was I the one at fault. I let my insecurities get the best of me and I let my options play with my head. I’ve always said my life is a forking path where each direction means a different ending, an alternate lifestyle. Why does it seem like I always choose the wrong one? Do I? Am I? Oh what the fuck.

Hmmm hmmm hmmm hmm

In the dead of night, there was this eerie silence
I couldn’t even hear myself breathe
I fell hostage to that powerful slumber
The signature arm bent at the elbow over my head
That damsel like pose
Talks of a fragility that I often feel but don’t know if I convey
Not that I want to
I began to drift and from the start I feel the assailing of images
It no longer waits for me to completely fall asleep
It just comes like a barrage, stampeding on my senses
I don’t want to see
But in the night I cannot pretend or ignore
The days when I am out of the house are for others
Putting on the smile and focusing on all else
When I come home is to decompress.
I don’t want to pay attention to these
In dreams though, you can choose what you tackle
When the Id takes over you, you have no command. Nothing
So I stand there, looking at you, him, the other one, all of them
The herd of pink elephants each standing in each corner, a door, a space
I look each in the eye
Hating what I see
Loving the feel of it
As always you all split me
It’s me against myself
One side hating the other
Two formidable opponents in this 31 year battle
Neither ever wins and both tend to lose out
Good against good and sometimes evil against evil
One fundamental to the other
All I do is stand there and look at all my adversaries in the eye
Knowing I am the sole victim to all: You, him, the others, me, and myself

Incubus

2008-01-30T13:08:00.000-05:00

10 years had passed. An eternity it had seemed. Things most likely forgotten and foggy remembrances of the past. It was a rainy October evening. It was an unlikely place. Cold weather was making good on September promises as water fell around her. As always, she walked. Life was this way for her. An endless road where she spent her time walking. Sometimes, it was a fast pace walk which could and could not have a purpose or destination. Sometimes the walk was slow but equally aimless.

Today was a different day. She had known that when she woke. She had woken up fast. She sat up in bed and that was it. There was no slow opening of the eyes. She didn’t slowly become aware. One minute she was asleep, the next she was sitting up and automatically thinking. The whole day had been the same at work. One thought right after the other. Nothing to savor in her head. Going from one thing to the next. The day was a fast blur. Like temporary blindness. It had come and gone in what seems like seconds. Now it was 4 in the afternoon. Darkness was overtaking.

Her dark boots looked even darker wet. For a mere second she was mesmerized by seeing water being kicked around by those boots. The boots were pointy so every time they kicked a bit of water, it went far. She watched it trying to determine which foot could kick the furthest. The right one was relentless but the left one seemed to have more strength. “ What the hell… God, I hate me for this moment.”

She became aware of the presence before she saw anything. It was a muscle tensing in her back. Like a wild animal with a scent. Her head came up abruptly and she saw the dark figure almost a block away. His stance was straight and facing her. She couldn’t see his eyes but she sensed the stare. The hairs on the back of her neck stood and her scalp tightened.

Time is the best antidote.. It’s not supposed to erase but it makes things hazy and not easily remembered. Someone needs to shoot the guy that said that she thought as the memories came down upon her like a bittersweet avalanche threatening to knock her off her feet. One minute she was contemplating how fast her boots could kick a drop of water, the next her mind summoned angle of the body that stood about two hundred feet away.

She didn’t move. Just watched him. So much time of her life had been spent thinking of this exact moment. She played in her mind so many times wondering where she would be, what she would be wearing, what attitude should be used. She thought she was ready but he took one step forward and everything went to hell. She felt the trepidation and the panic begin to rise fast and to spread indecently through her body. She could taste her own fear. She couldn’t do this.

She felt lightheaded as he kept walking towards her. She should run, she thought. Her mind ordered her to. Her feet were cemented and wouldn’t obey. He was getting closer.

There was the voice screaming in her head.
He took another long step.
Run.
Her eyes wanted to water, but she fought that. She was strong enough for that.
Run.
He kept walking.
Run.
She saw his face clearly.
Run.
The light hit his face.
Run.
She could see his eyes.
She wanted to scream.
Run!
It was too late. He was in front of her

One word. That was all that was needed from him. He said it almost as a whisper. It was soft in his lips but it invoked a twister of pain in her heart. All he had to do was say her name and she felt it so strongly it almost brought her to her knees. She bit a chunk of her lips to keep her eyes in check. She wasn’t going to cry. He no longer had that power over her. He spoke again, this time asking how she was. She swallowed and spoke. Sounding cool and politely pleasant she responded and asked him the same. She could do this. She was doing great. They began to converse idly asking about family, friends, life. She leaned in a little as was her custom and he reacting by grabbing her hand. Something he absently did when in conversation. She was lost.

She stared at both their hands, cowardly refusing to look him in the eye. His hold tightened. It wasn’t hurting her physically but she felt the pressure forcing her to do what she didn’t want to. She kept her eyes low for a long time then something was pushing them up.. She fought it, cursed it. Knowing she wouldn’t win this battle. She wouldn’t go gentle though but she could not prolong it anymore and gave in. Her eyes flew right into his. He held on tighter.

Oh god.

Eris

2008-01-30T13:05:00.001-05:00

Walks behind me but I feel him in front
It’s like I’m a false step from walking into him
I can smell him, no, breathe him
He embraces me at inappropriate times
I can’t get away from his love
He has become obsessive and persistent
He won’t take no
He will impose
His demands will be met
He will be obeyed
If I decide to go against him, he would turn against me
He will drown me in desperation
In agony
In anguish
He’ll bask in my suffering
As I choke in the abyss of pain
Immersed in such misery
That I must capitulate
Surrender…
And pass it on
Pay it forward
Become a tormentor myself
Take hold and squeeze
Only by spreading his legacy
Of fury, resentment, rage
Abhorrence, adulation
Will I survive
Breathe again
Free