Monday, June 20, 2011

I've gone back in time


To a time of youth and innocence


To feel what's in my body today


The energy


The vibrance


The pressure of excitement in my chest


Today I look forward to tomorrow


When I can look into your eyes


Where I can mirror my desire, longing, urgency


When I can get lost in your lips


Where your mouth has become my home


My moment of solace


My escape


My new life



I could never tell


You wouldn't believe


How could you?


I don't think you know what loneliness looks like


It's never knocked on your door


It's never loved you for years


I know him well


More than anyone ever


He's been a constant friend


A confidant


A teacher


But much much more


He's my greatest love


My most efficient lover


The one that does everything right


Ensuring I never leave him


I don't want another


No one sees me


I don't notice them


There's only him


Grabbing me with his cold hands


Shaking me


Taking me


In soft night whispers


Bringing me to tears


Wiping them with frigid sensuality


And I know only him


I've tried to turn my back on him


To walk away


To run


To hide


But he's always there


5 Steps behind me


Coming back to collect me


Bringing me back


To our same place


The ones we forged memories in


There he works overtime


With more fervor than before


To keep me there


In his embrace


Cold


Dry


Alone


But always accompanied


By loneliness

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

I feel as if my grip is slipping
I’m trying to hold on but the current is pulling harder
Bringing me me down
At first it was gradual
So slow
Lethargic almost
I didn’t even feel my sleep begin to slide
Then as if it was nothing the seat was yanked from underneath me
And I slipped off
One minute I was sitting there in light conversation
Then next I’m holding on for dear life
And it’s taking me
I’m fighting inside
I’m crying
Asking God not to do this
He knows better
I know that
It will be done as he meant
But I feel like this is death
Please don’t do this
Don’t do this to me
The warmth that envelopes me
It’s also the venom that poisons a part of my heart
I’m helpless because I don’t know how to fight
I’ve accepted a fate I rebel against
The innocent sea
Full of sharks but so pristine
It will be my death in the end
As I drowned in this blue lagoon
I know I’ll drift to the bottom
And then open my eyes looking up
In the water my tears won’t be noticed
In the silence, I won’t be able to scream
I’ll still be here
Dragging the dead part of me.
 

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